of LOVE and LUST

The big question. Are we in love? Or do we just devour ourselves in LUST, to the point we can't tell one apart?
There's been many, and I mean many occasions when I've convinced myself that I am in love with another person just because they (and I remind you...many occasions) are the vision -physically- of a beautiful couple portrait.
So one day, I asked myself, do I love them? Or am I in love with that fantasy picture I drew in my own foolish mind?
And the reply I had FOR MYSELF indeed put me to place. A realistic one. I was never in love with them, I was just in love with myself. 'Myself' in a way I envisioned it to be...with them. More like a mirror of false hope, reflecting nothing more than pure fantasy.

It's funny, because they say to talk to ourselves is the first sign of madness. If it's anything I can prove, it indeed gave me the peace I needed with myself. But just out of curiosity, what is being...sane?
People call me crazy numerous times. Friends, families, acquaintances, beck..even strangers. But in my defense, I have YET met someone who is "sane".
Perhaps being "less crazy" is just a way mad people use to describe themselves when they've run out of steam for their own passion and energy in...(wait for it)...LIFE. To live.

Ok, I'm running far off the topic here. Back to the golden question, is it love? Or lust?
Ask yourself this the next time you 'think' you feel butterflies in your tummy. Is she/he really the person you want to wake up to every morning? To care for when they're at their weakest?
If they reveal a darker side of themself, would you be able to compromise?
That, my dear readers, is a trick question.
Someone recently showed me a clip of the late Ertha Kit explaining her point of view for what love is about. When the interviewer asked her of she would be willing to compromise with her partner, she laughed. Loudly. Saying "what is there to compromise?? A relationship needs to be earned!"
A wise lady she was. Couldn't have said it better myself.
We should stop expecting (period). Let's start enjoying the company of the other person with us. Let our feelings grow...naturally...slowly. And perhaps then, will we understand what love is about.

And remember, if you ever find yourself on a an uncertain path of love vs lust, just take your time and read your map carefully.

After all... That's Life 😉

Love sick...or Sick of love?

(sorry that all i ever talk about is LOVE. But thats what been playing a HUGE role in everyone's life)

Here i am sitting in my room, listening to songs i used to listen 4 years back.
I remember myself well...obese, naive, playful, in love but oh so clueless.
Yes, clueless of what the future has to offer me....a whole lotta BULLSHIT!

So my story dates back in high school. I had a crush, or can i say crushes, none of it worked out. This was most likely due to my two enemies...One called Tripple chin, the other simply Mr Tummy. Yes yes, i did mentioned i was obese!

Back then, i thought BEING in love is exactly like how we see it in the movies. A picture perfect vision.
So i was trying hard to be in love. I've already fallen in love too many times, but i never manage to successfully had an official partner. Meanwhile, everyone else around me was going through their high school love story..or as what we would call it, 'puppy love' moments.
Deep down i was envious, jealous and upset with those lovebirds but yet inside, im just waiting or MY moments.

(4 years later, now i know that those moments was only for me to witness through someone else).

My biggest crush was a certain someone in my class. ~Kind, gentle, smart, and honest~These were the qualities i was attracted to. Physically, there was nothing great to even look at.
'The heart was what matters'.
But a year passed and before we knew it, school was over and college parted us both. But we still kept in contact although now we're basically in strangersville.
But we never had those intimate moments, nor did we had a mutual interest. It was ALL me.

College gave me the idea that i might have a new start...or a beginning at all, to be exact!
But tsk tsk Atif, how wrong were you.
I went through the repeated dance of my failing love story.
But thats ok! Love is beautiful, pure, honest and graceful. And somewhere out there, i'll find THE ONE :)
LOL!!!!!

I kept my head held high~
I kept my hope strong at heart~
I held my faith strongly in love's hand~
I stayed on the look out for my 'Moment'.

It never came.....

2 years back, i had my first official love. Oh i was on cloud 9!
Happy as could be, i was relieved and impress at myself that i finally had someone to call my OWN!
YAY.
Shortly after, REALITY hit me in the face!
And things ended only after 2 months.
I went throught the same progress repeatedly for the next 2 years with many many (practically countless) others.
Untill now, finally, i've open my eyes and bare witness on how the world actually works.

Love isn't a fairytale nor is LIFE.
Well, not mine atleast.

These days, "I Love You"s no longer sweep me off my feet.
It no longer thrills me of the fact that love has 'found' me. And i dont believe in it either. unfortunately, Cupid has lost its power on me and all arrows are now broken.

Some might say im just 'frightened' of love, others may say im just heartless. Which is it?
maybe its a little bit of both. Besides, why do we always need to choose between one another?

Love has lost its quality to me. And maybe i spoke to soon. Maybe my time has yet to come..after all, im only 21.
But for the moment, i'll stick to what i know and learned from that funny cruel four letter word....

L.O.V.E

Yours truly,
Bitterheart.

im Single...and im OK???..YES!

It's as if i woken up in a whole new different world.
One minuet i was crying my heart out, the next, i woken up feeling rather 'carefree'!

What is this feeling?
Why am i actually smiling of the fact i lost yet another love interest in my life?
It's as if a huge rock has been lifted off me and i can breath....yes, BREATH!!!
Im finally breathing again...but this time, solo.
Is it true?...i finally came to terms of peace with myself for being single?!
yes, i think so!

All those talks i hear people saying how they enjoy being single was once (i thought) was mere self-comfort therapy. Now its happened to me :)
This is all unfamiliar territory to me.

Ok, so here's the story..lets get personal ;)

If you've been loyally following my blog (or personally know me), you'd know that God forbids me to have a stable relationship. The longest i had was for 5 months. period.
I ended my last relationship (which lasts for no more than 2 months) in December 2009. Since then, i've been searching high and low for my next potential long term relationship. Dating is all too familiar for me. one after another....fail fail fail.
Ok. But i never give up. There's this little voice in me thats saying i WILL eventually end up with 'THE ONE'. I call that lying bitch, Hope.
So heartbreaks kept walking on me like im a doormat. I let myself hurt everytime, i think it's becuz i let them hold a piece of my heart untill they decide to drop it. cRAsH on the ground. And i ended up picking up and putting all the shattered pieces back together over and over again. This is partly my fault for falling in love too easily. But these are the things you just cant help yourself right?

So anyway, was dating 'L' for a month now.
'L' just got out of a 2 years relationship about a week before i met 'L' and 'L' approached me at a club. We talked, exchanged numbers, kissed (yes...THAT was the beginning point of my mistake) and promised to meet up each other over lunch. Back on the dating game. Things was going smoothly (or so atleast in my point of view) and along the way i gave 'L' my newly repaired heart. SHIT!
We texted each other everyday, i missed 'L' on every single second i live on without the sight of 'L' with me. I was offically in love. So i learn not to waste time, i confessed my feelings, emotions and even future plans (Atif, atif, atif....reading this back i realize what a dumbass i was (am)). And after all this, the response i got from 'L' was "im interested in you, but i keep reserving my feelings from you..but i promise to TRY to open up to you". To TRY to open up???
Could i have been anymore naive? yes...i let 'L' had the best of me.
Then bla bla bla, last week (as of the day this blog is written) we went to the club that 'introduced' us. But we came separately. Long story short here's what happened...

'L' didn't approached me the whole night! As a matter of fact, 'L' even avoided me! yes, 'L' literally tried running away. Ouch eh...
Then from above (2nd floor), i was the watchful eye of a bitter eagle. Then i saw IT. 'L' was locking lips with 3 different man whores (in which 'L' calls them friends). Double ouch!

Now today i wake up thinking of 'L' but without hoping or with any possibilities. I live my life for today, with no lover, no future plans, and no/less 'L'.
And im feeling rather OK with myself! :)
Honestly i am..i think partly thanks to ALL my friends. Yes, friends are Gods way of telling you that no matter what, other people will pretend to give shit about you. And it works i must say! ;p
So YAY!!!

Now im just gonna flirt around, socialize myself like any happy single boys out there.
hmmmm...come to think of it, i might be turning into 'L' myself!
But if its one differents that saparate me from 'L' is that, when love (true, real, honest love) comes knocking on my door, i'll welcome it with open arms..and legs eventually *wink
Becuz i KNOW what i want...and that is STILL to be loved back.
Till then, its my life to enjoy and no more bitch whispering lier called HOPE in my head can make me go through this again. Enough is enough.

I got me, myself and I baybeh ;D


*dedicated to all those broken hearted...i care :)

here comes 2010, there goes my 'A'...

Remember 'A'?

Well....'A' has made it clear to me that responsibility and work commitment has taken the best of 'A'.

That left me dumped for the new years...what a way to go..tsk tsk.

Really la, now im finally proud to admit that LOVE scares the shit out of me!

i had all my dreams, hopes and future between us and then within a day...all wasted.

im deeply hurt and saddened that 'A' gave up that easy while here i am still holding on to hopes that somehow with some miracle, it's gonna be worth it in the end..please please oh please.

till then, these tears has made my cheeks salty and this nose of mine has turned into rudolf's.

With the passing of an old year and the coming of a new one, may 2010 be the start of something more beautiful in life for me.

fingers crossed and happy new year ya'll!

A

Well well well guys...here's something on my personal life >

could it be? maybe ;)

Honestly, i wasnt even into this person 'A'. We met at a friend's birthday party back in July (but we hardly even talked, infact, i didnt even noticed 'A'), then we stumbled again through the internet and we started chatting.

And no i didnt play it cheap!

Rejection was my game but still, 'A' never gave up and kept on trying till i literally said F*** OFF!

And thats what 'A' did :P

But then about 2 weeks ago, we bumped into each other again, this time in a club and 'A' said hi and i said hi as well. Nothing more than that.

Then as i left the club, 'A' came chasing after me and asked for my number...which after all the effort, i decided what the heck.

And from that moment on, 'A' kept sms-ing me and even asked me out which i said yes to (a big relief to 'A'...attt lassssttt..hahaha )

and till now (the day i wrote this blog) we've been out on 4 dates and i must say that it was no mistake at all. Loving everything 'A' is doing for me and i feel sooo appreciated.

So thank you cupid for aiming that arrow my way.

ps: nothing official yet and im still in a 50/50 state.

In the words of my pop idol Anastacia- to my future lover, fate will find you cuz you have the power of truth behind u

<3